


in my head i do everything right

by toddxnderson



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, NOTHING BUT PAIN, todd is literally just me, yeah this is just straight up Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27723704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toddxnderson/pseuds/toddxnderson
Summary: after the play, todd wakes up in the middle of the night, dread creeping into his stomach.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	in my head i do everything right

**Author's Note:**

> credit to the wonderful horrible laina for giving me this idea! i hope u can forgive me

It was dark outside when Todd woke.

It was always dark this time of year, at least in Vermont. The night came down like a curtain at six pm and didn’t raise until after breakfast. In the dead of night it was the worst, the blackest, velvety and soft and utterly terrifying. Getting up before light was a dangerous undertaking. 

He sighed and rolled over, pressing his cheek into the cold metal bed frame. Out of the heavy obfuscating darkness, he could just about make out the bed across from him- impeccably made, pillow looming like a spectre out of the darkness, Neil’s green sweater folded tidily over the blanket. Empty. Still empty. Why was it empty?

Thoughts pulled themselves fuzzily back to the front of his brain. The play- there had been a play, hadn’t there? And Neil. And the shadows creeping across the low-cast light of the auditorium, the murmur of the audience fading into absolute silence as that voice rang out, wicked and sweet, unending. 

What had happened next? Something about Neil’s dad. A car? He was at home, he wasn’t here, he was gone gone gone. 

He lay back a moment, allowing the memories to sift themselves into order, staring up at the black, invisible ceiling. For a while, he wasn’t quite sure what had woken him. Most likely the cold, but he wasn’t shivering. He wasn’t thirsty, at least not that he could tell. So what?

And then he felt it, that white hot panic coiling around his stomach, the sour dread, something dank and searing and vivid, a burst of colourful fear he couldn’t control. The shock of it was so great it pushed up into sitting, breath coming quickly, the restless worry settling itself in his hands. He was halfway out of bed before he had the slightest clue why. 

Perched in the dark, feet hovering above the half-frosted wooden floor, Todd froze. Something was wrong. Something was horribly, horribly wrong, something to do with Neil, something terrible was about to happen, he had to stop it he had to-

call Neil. He had to call Neil. Even if he was being ridiculous and this was just another of his stupid overthinking episodes, he needed to hear his voice, that solid certain _hey!,_ and if the world was about to end anyway he had to at least know that Neil was alright, that neither of them were scared. 

Fourth grade, after a misjudged science presentation, he’d become convinced that any day an asteroid was going to come crashing down and gobble the world up whole, him clinging to it kicking and screaming. He’d been obsessed with it, the panicked fascination, ducking under desks any time he decided the meteor might strike. It hadn’t, of course, but somehow that had stayed with him, and every time his parents asked him downstairs or called him out of the blue he thought to himself _asteroid, it’s the asteroid, it’s come to get us at last and they’re going to tell me,_ and he was always at least half disappointed when it turned out to simply be a message from grandma or a half-remembered happy birthday. 

He couldn’t help but think of the asteroid now. He couldn’t help but wonder. 

The door creaked in protest as Todd gently kicked it open with the sole of his slipper and wandered into the slivers of gold passed out by the tiny electric lights in the hall that stayed on throughout the night. He glanced towards the nearest other room and was momentarily spooked by what sounded like a cough, a quiet scuffle, but it was gone as soon as it had arrived and he continued softly down the hall, feet brushing along the floor, the silence total and enveloping him like water. 

The phone glinted out at him from the far wall, a lick of silver against the wooden landscape. He approached them steadily, wincing at the noise his body made against the old floor, one hand already outstretched for the receiver. It pressed into his hand, cold, weighty metal. He bit the inside of his cheek. 

Neil’s home phone number was embarrassingly familiar to him, memorised in case of emergencies, and he dutifully replicated it on the telephone, tapping his spare fingers against his side in an anxious pattern, one two three one two three, _please be fine please be fine._

The ring sounded shrilly in his ear and suddenly he became aware that he was making a terrible mistake. 

He was putting his foot in it. Again. Neil wouldn’t want him to call right now, for God’s sake. His parents would be pissed and he was probably getting the worst disciplining of his life while Todd stood there dialling up his house like an idiot, inserting himself directly into the mess once again, only thinking of himself and ruining everything else in the process and oh, how fucking stupid he was, how pitiful, standing in his slippers and calling the boy who slept beside him just to get back to sleep. What had he even planned to say, anyway? _Hello Mr Perry my name is Todd Anderson, I’m your son’s roommate? Sorry to interrupt but I woke up and had feeling that something bad was going to happen to him, can you put him on the line for me?_

Hot shame bled through his face and dyed it a deep, blotchy red. He was being paranoid. He was being selfish. He was being overly familiar. He didn’t want Neil to think he was a creep, did he?

He hung up the phone before the third ring, turned around, and crept slowly down the corridor back to bed. 

He could call Neil in the morning. There wasn’t any rush.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in like half an hour so please don’t judge the quality of writing lmao
> 
> u can find me on [ twitter! ](https://mobile.twitter.com/toddxnderson)


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